I must begin by stating that my fiance’, Justin, is a handsome, majestic and blessing of a human being to my life. He knows my story…where I’ve been, where I am, and where I hope to go. The experience below happened before our relationship began.
I say this because, despite anything that happened in the past, you and I can always choose how life can be on the other side of a bad situation.
I wasn’t looking for Justin when he walked into my life. In fact, I had just gotten out of a severely toxic relationship a few months prior, and I was not actively searching, much less wanting, to start a new relationship.
I was a broken, lost vessel trying to navigate the seas of life on my own.
All these pieces
Broken and scattered
In mercy gathered
Mended and whole
But not forsaken
I’ve been set free
I’ve been set free
I chose to stay in a situation I knew was terrible, unhealthy, and mentally damaging. I allowed and tolerated emotional abuse and enabled it for two years.
Many people have been in a toxic relationship. Why do we allow ourselves to be treated poorly?
For me, I didn’t love myself nor did I believe anyone loved me unconditionally. I also wanted to control all aspects of my life. I prayed but ignored God’s signs because they weren’t what I wanted. I ignored God’s will for my life and chose my own desires over His.
I lost my way. I lost my identity. I lost love and grace for myself.
I had convinced myself I deserved to be cheated on, ignored, and disrespected. Somehow, I would end up apologizing for faults, flaws, and lies I told myself. The devil is funny in this way. He tells us lies about who we are, and we believe him. Then, we accept the poor treatment we are given and tell ourselves we deserve it. I was so vulnerable I fell for the lies and remained in an unhealthy situation for too long.
I was comfortable, scared of change, and scared to be alone. I didn’t want to lose control…even if it meant staying in something that was hurting me. God knew I had no plans of ending the toxic relationship and had planned on forcing it to work because it fit my plans, so He intervened by blessing the guy I was dating with a child…that was being carried by another girl.
Even after I found out, I STILL resisted God and fought against His will. I battled, cried, and questioned Him. I was a good person…and all I could ask was, “Why do the bad people win?”
What I know now and knew two weeks post-breakup was that I wasn’t the loser. I had won BIG. Was I starting over, sad, lonely, and a little betrayed? Yep. But with the pain came a sigh of relief and feeling of freedom that I hadn’t felt in a long time.
That breakup was a huge blessing. God was taking me, a broken vessel, back into the light and filling me with hope.
I learned a valuable lesson at the end of the relationship: God’s will for your life will ALWAYS prevail.
Who knew so much pain would be part of God’s plan for me…to submit to His will, give up control, and push me away from comfort and into a dark, scary place where He would be waiting to love me unconditionally and to welcome me back home with open arms.
Oh I can see you now
Oh I can see the love in Your eyes
Laying yourself down
Raising up the broken to life
While I may have completely lost myself in that toxic situation, I rose stronger and rekindled a true, meaningful relationship with God.
It was the Tuesday evening after a weekend breakup. I cried on my way to a church. I showed up at Brentwood Baptist for their Tuesday night service, Kairos, where I sat in the back row weeping as I sang worship songs and listened to the message that resonated so deeply with where I was in my life.
That night changed everything. I had put a human being on the pedestal that belonged to God. My desires, heart, and life had been revolving around the wrong thing. The control I had so desperately tried to hold onto had caused my life and plans to completely spiral out of my control. Talk about situational irony.
You take our failure
You take our weakness
You set Your treasure
In jars of clay
So take this heart, Lord
I’ll be Your vessel
The world to see
Your life in me
I had a choice: try to take back control and live on my own accord, or surrender and live, love, and yearn for God’s will over my life. Despite my tears, pain, and fear of not having control, I surrendered to God that night.
Instead of going to God after a relationship ends, I’ve noticed most people run to dating apps or bars or back to an ex. This breakup was crushing for me because I didn’t have a healthy relationship with myself or God. In hindsight, if my relationship with God had been stronger, I would have never allowed myself to be mistreated in the first place because I would’ve known my value and worth through God’s love.
Let me tell you, hand to heart, life started to make more sense and blessings and opportunities were made more clear AFTER I had committed to taking care of myself and my spirituality. Justin walked into my life well after I had refocused my mind, heart, and soul on Jesus.
God will bless you with the right person and right relationship at the right time – in HIS time. Not yours. Surrendering my will for God’s will over my life was and still is one of the most freeing and scary things I have ever done, BUT, I’ve seen the gifts and the workings of God because I have given up control.
This is my testament that surrendering to God is THE best thing I’ve ever done. My relationship with God is over any other earthly relationship, and what’s even better is that His love is unconditional and His grace is unfailing.
If you are struggling in life, ask yourself who and what are you worshiping? Are you a broken vessel? Who is the captain of your ship?
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost
But now I’m found
Was blind but now I see
If you want to learn more about my story and journey with God, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. I also invite you to attend a service at Cross Point Church or Kairos at Brentwood Baptist. You may be lost and feel broken, but there is another way to live and love and feel. Myself, along with a community of people at either of these churches want to be there for you.