Love Struck

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Growth

Broken Vessels

I must begin by stating that my fiance’, Justin, is a handsome, majestic and blessing of a human being to my life. He knows my story…where I’ve been, where I am, and where I hope to go. The experience below happened before our relationship began.

I say this because, despite anything that happened in the past, you and I can always choose how life can be on the other side of a bad situation.

I wasn’t looking for Justin when he walked into my life. In fact, I had just gotten out of a severely toxic relationship a few months prior, and I was not actively searching, much less wanting, to start a new relationship.

I was a broken, lost vessel trying to navigate the seas of life on my own.

All these pieces
Broken and scattered
In mercy gathered
Mended and whole
Empty handed
But not forsaken
I’ve been set free
I’ve been set free

I chose to stay in a situation I knew was terrible, unhealthy, and mentally damaging. I allowed and tolerated emotional abuse and enabled it for two years.

Many people have been in a toxic relationship. Why do we allow ourselves to be treated poorly?

For me, I didn’t love myself nor did I believe anyone loved me unconditionally. I also wanted to control all aspects of my life. I prayed but ignored God’s signs because they weren’t what I wanted. I ignored God’s will for my life and chose my own desires over His.

I lost my way. I lost my identity. I lost love and grace for myself.

I had convinced myself I deserved to be cheated on, ignored, and disrespected.  Somehow, I would end up apologizing for faults, flaws, and lies I told myself. The devil is funny in this way. He tells us lies about who we are, and we believe him. Then, we accept the poor treatment we are given and tell ourselves we deserve it. I was so vulnerable I fell for the lies and remained in an unhealthy situation for too long.

I was comfortable, scared of change, and scared to be alone. I didn’t want to lose control…even if it meant staying in something that was hurting me. God knew I had no plans of ending the toxic relationship and had planned on forcing it to work because it fit my plans, so He intervened by blessing the guy I was dating with a child…that was being carried by another girl.

Even after I found out, I STILL resisted God and fought against His will. I battled, cried, and questioned Him. I was a good person…and all I could ask was, “Why do the bad people win?”

What I know now and knew two weeks post-breakup was that I wasn’t the loser. I had won BIG. Was I starting over, sad, lonely, and a little betrayed? Yep. But with the pain came a sigh of relief and feeling of freedom that I hadn’t felt in a long time.

That breakup was a huge blessing. God was taking me, a broken vessel, back into the light and filling me with hope.

I learned a valuable lesson at the end of the relationship: God’s will for your life will ALWAYS prevail. 

Who knew so much pain would be part of God’s plan for me…to submit to His will, give up control, and push me away from comfort and into a dark, scary place where He would be waiting to love me unconditionally and to welcome me back home with open arms.

Oh I can see you now
Oh I can see the love in Your eyes
Laying yourself down
Raising up the broken to life

While I may have completely lost myself in that toxic situation, I rose stronger and rekindled a true, meaningful relationship with God.

It was the Tuesday evening after a weekend breakup. I cried on my way to a church. I showed up at Brentwood Baptist for their Tuesday night service, Kairos, where I sat in the back row weeping as I sang worship songs and listened to the message that resonated so deeply with where I was in my life.

That night changed everything. I had put a human being on the pedestal that belonged to God. My desires, heart, and life had been revolving around the wrong thing. The control I had so desperately tried to hold onto had caused my life and plans to completely spiral out of my control. Talk about situational irony.

You take our failure
You take our weakness
You set Your treasure
In jars of clay
So take this heart, Lord
I’ll be Your vessel
The world to see
Your life in me

I had a choice: try to take back control and live on my own accord, or surrender and live, love, and yearn for God’s will over my life. Despite my tears, pain, and fear of not having control, I surrendered to God that night.

Instead of going to God after a relationship ends, I’ve noticed most people run to dating apps or bars or back to an ex. This breakup was crushing for me because I didn’t have a healthy relationship with myself or God. In hindsight, if my relationship with God had been stronger, I would have never allowed myself to be mistreated in the first place because I would’ve known my value and worth through God’s love.

Let me tell you, hand to heart, life started to make more sense and blessings and opportunities were made more clear AFTER I had committed to taking care of myself and my spirituality. Justin walked into my life well after I had refocused my mind, heart, and soul on Jesus.

God will bless you with the right person and right relationship at the right time – in HIS time. Not yours. Surrendering my will for God’s will over my life was and still is one of the most freeing and scary things I have ever done, BUT, I’ve seen the gifts and the workings of God because I have given up control.

This is my testament that surrendering to God is THE best thing I’ve ever done. My relationship with God is over any other earthly relationship, and what’s even better is that His love is unconditional and His grace is unfailing.

If you are struggling in life, ask yourself who and what are you worshiping? Are you a broken vessel? Who is the captain of your ship?

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost
But now I’m found
Was blind but now I see

 

If you want to learn more about my story and journey with God, email me at aharrison965@gmail.com. I also invite you to attend a service at Cross Point Church or Kairos at Brentwood Baptist. You may be lost and feel broken, but there is another way to live and love and feel. Myself, along with a community of people at either of these churches want to be there for you.

Patience is Underrated.

“If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present.” – Lao Tzo

Ask my boyfriend, Justin, and he will tell you I am one of the most impatient creatures roaming the earth.

I recently listened to a podcast and finished Bob Goff’s book, Everybody Always, both referencing patience. Both spoke about the power of patience and the negative impacts that impatience can have on my own life and the peoples’ lives surrounding me. Bob Goff literally carries a tin bucket around to remind himself to fill it with patience. It is a metaphor to fill his mind and live his life more patiently.

Impressive. Impactful. Made me do some serious thinking about my own issues with impatience.

There are times I have zero chill and need a brown paper bag to keep me breathing because of a self-induced panic attack.

I have migraines, restless nights, sour moods, and eat food past the point of feeling full…all because of the residual feelings resulting from my own impatience.

I grew up with my parents always telling me, “Ashley, be patient” or “Patience is a virtue, and you lack it.”

My parents said this because I have always been a doer and extremely self-motivated. I strongly dislike waiting on other people. If I can do it myself, then you bet I have already gotten up and done it. I do not procrastinate and I am rarely ever late…and if I am ever late, it is because of someone else’s poor time management.

I truly believe being self-motivated, prompt, and efficient are some of my strongest qualities.
Until these qualities result in me rushing, stressing, and worrying my life away.

Let me explain.

At 27, I am taking on one of my most difficult challenges, which is cultivating patience into every hour, every minute, and every second of each day.

I admitted in my last blog that I really do not know what my purpose is or what skills I should be honing in on and using to live a more fulfilled life (see, these are the thoughts causing me to lose sleep).

Right now, I am committing to less rushing and impatience and more living in the moment. It is okay not to know all the exact details of my future right now. It is also okay to be five minutes late versus 20 minutes early…to my own set time for being at the grocery store…

Honestly, my impatience is only hurting me and keeping me further away from finding my purpose. The irony is that my impatience is prolonging the process of discovering purpose…because the impatience causes negative emotions, and these negative emotions clutter and bury all the good things inside of me. Turns out, the good thoughts, emotions, words, and actions are what will lead (and are currently leading) me to my bigger purpose.

The only way to tap into my purpose and true passions is to be my best, most loved, and truest self.

Although I may doubt it, I know my purpose already exists…but it has yet to be discovered.

Living a rushed and impatient life only dampens and clutters my mind and emotions and removes me from the present. Right here, right now is a gift. Right here and now, I could be doing something that leads me closer to that purpose.

Why am I rushing tomorrow when today is the only guarantee? Not to mention, being impatient means I am truly wasting today. It is kinda like saying to God, “OKAY, enough of today…let’s move on to five years (or five minutes) from now when I have x, do y, and need z.”

If I am rushing the days away, I am likely overlooking God’s little gifts, opportunities, and nuggets of knowledge that He is putting right in front of my face.

I have no idea how to combat my impatience, but that is why I am reading books and learning how to live and be my truest self. Impatience was not included with my entry into the world; somewhere along the way, my subconscious became conditioned to this belief.

I believed being impatient was just a part of me…sewn into my DNA to always be listed as one of my characteristics. But it certainly is not. That belief does not have to be true…if I say and decide it is not true.

My babers, Justin, along with some wise words I have read in books and heard on podcasts have all reminded me…all within 48 hours of each other…that I do NOT have to live an impatient life. I do not have to be stressed, worried, or rushed. Impatience does not have to be a part of me.

In their wise words, I was reminded of the different versions of me:

  • The impatient version is flustered and moody and talks too much about doughnuts and other pastries.
  • The patient version is silly, laid back, and pleasant. However, still talks about doughnuts and other pastries.

The main difference in my patient self and impatient self is that one puts her energy, belief, trust, and faith in God while the other gal is too busy trying to micromanage and control her future.

I am working, praying, and learning every day…rewriting the script of my subconscious…to become a more patient, present, and positive human that is simply just being, loving, and serving others.