Love Struck

My WordPress Blog

Purpose

Broken Vessels

I must begin by stating that my fiance’, Justin, is a handsome, majestic and blessing of a human being to my life. He knows my story…where I’ve been, where I am, and where I hope to go. The experience below happened before our relationship began.

I say this because, despite anything that happened in the past, you and I can always choose how life can be on the other side of a bad situation.

I wasn’t looking for Justin when he walked into my life. In fact, I had just gotten out of a severely toxic relationship a few months prior, and I was not actively searching, much less wanting, to start a new relationship.

I was a broken, lost vessel trying to navigate the seas of life on my own.

All these pieces
Broken and scattered
In mercy gathered
Mended and whole
Empty handed
But not forsaken
I’ve been set free
I’ve been set free

I chose to stay in a situation I knew was terrible, unhealthy, and mentally damaging. I allowed and tolerated emotional abuse and enabled it for two years.

Many people have been in a toxic relationship. Why do we allow ourselves to be treated poorly?

For me, I didn’t love myself nor did I believe anyone loved me unconditionally. I also wanted to control all aspects of my life. I prayed but ignored God’s signs because they weren’t what I wanted. I ignored God’s will for my life and chose my own desires over His.

I lost my way. I lost my identity. I lost love and grace for myself.

I had convinced myself I deserved to be cheated on, ignored, and disrespected.  Somehow, I would end up apologizing for faults, flaws, and lies I told myself. The devil is funny in this way. He tells us lies about who we are, and we believe him. Then, we accept the poor treatment we are given and tell ourselves we deserve it. I was so vulnerable I fell for the lies and remained in an unhealthy situation for too long.

I was comfortable, scared of change, and scared to be alone. I didn’t want to lose control…even if it meant staying in something that was hurting me. God knew I had no plans of ending the toxic relationship and had planned on forcing it to work because it fit my plans, so He intervened by blessing the guy I was dating with a child…that was being carried by another girl.

Even after I found out, I STILL resisted God and fought against His will. I battled, cried, and questioned Him. I was a good person…and all I could ask was, “Why do the bad people win?”

What I know now and knew two weeks post-breakup was that I wasn’t the loser. I had won BIG. Was I starting over, sad, lonely, and a little betrayed? Yep. But with the pain came a sigh of relief and feeling of freedom that I hadn’t felt in a long time.

That breakup was a huge blessing. God was taking me, a broken vessel, back into the light and filling me with hope.

I learned a valuable lesson at the end of the relationship: God’s will for your life will ALWAYS prevail. 

Who knew so much pain would be part of God’s plan for me…to submit to His will, give up control, and push me away from comfort and into a dark, scary place where He would be waiting to love me unconditionally and to welcome me back home with open arms.

Oh I can see you now
Oh I can see the love in Your eyes
Laying yourself down
Raising up the broken to life

While I may have completely lost myself in that toxic situation, I rose stronger and rekindled a true, meaningful relationship with God.

It was the Tuesday evening after a weekend breakup. I cried on my way to a church. I showed up at Brentwood Baptist for their Tuesday night service, Kairos, where I sat in the back row weeping as I sang worship songs and listened to the message that resonated so deeply with where I was in my life.

That night changed everything. I had put a human being on the pedestal that belonged to God. My desires, heart, and life had been revolving around the wrong thing. The control I had so desperately tried to hold onto had caused my life and plans to completely spiral out of my control. Talk about situational irony.

You take our failure
You take our weakness
You set Your treasure
In jars of clay
So take this heart, Lord
I’ll be Your vessel
The world to see
Your life in me

I had a choice: try to take back control and live on my own accord, or surrender and live, love, and yearn for God’s will over my life. Despite my tears, pain, and fear of not having control, I surrendered to God that night.

Instead of going to God after a relationship ends, I’ve noticed most people run to dating apps or bars or back to an ex. This breakup was crushing for me because I didn’t have a healthy relationship with myself or God. In hindsight, if my relationship with God had been stronger, I would have never allowed myself to be mistreated in the first place because I would’ve known my value and worth through God’s love.

Let me tell you, hand to heart, life started to make more sense and blessings and opportunities were made more clear AFTER I had committed to taking care of myself and my spirituality. Justin walked into my life well after I had refocused my mind, heart, and soul on Jesus.

God will bless you with the right person and right relationship at the right time – in HIS time. Not yours. Surrendering my will for God’s will over my life was and still is one of the most freeing and scary things I have ever done, BUT, I’ve seen the gifts and the workings of God because I have given up control.

This is my testament that surrendering to God is THE best thing I’ve ever done. My relationship with God is over any other earthly relationship, and what’s even better is that His love is unconditional and His grace is unfailing.

If you are struggling in life, ask yourself who and what are you worshiping? Are you a broken vessel? Who is the captain of your ship?

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost
But now I’m found
Was blind but now I see

 

If you want to learn more about my story and journey with God, email me at aharrison965@gmail.com. I also invite you to attend a service at Cross Point Church or Kairos at Brentwood Baptist. You may be lost and feel broken, but there is another way to live and love and feel. Myself, along with a community of people at either of these churches want to be there for you.

Where Are You. Who Are You. What Are You Doing.

I ask myself the question “What are you doing?” every day. I know I am not alone in this feeling of lostness. Can you openly admit that you have confessed this aloud to yourself? Can you say you have said this openly to a stranger?

What I have learned is that I have been asking myself the wrong question…first…and I do not have to find the answers or figure it out on my own.

What I (and you)  should be asking each day is “Where are you?” followed by, “Who are you?”

Not in a geographical sense, but in an emotional and spiritual sense.

Because what I am doing in life is dependent on where I am now (emotionally and spiritually) which is dictated by knowing who I am.

I can tell you most of my strengths…a few of my weaknesses…what I would have done in the past…

I cannot tell you where I am going in the future. This confession is scary considering I am a gal that loves plans. I would plan every detail of my future RIGHT NOW if I could. This is not living with blind faith in God. This life…the one where I try to take control…is not a life led by faith or trust in God.

I am learning that God’s grace and plan for me will be revealed in time. His time.

While this is forcing me to learn patience, God is slowly (but surely) revealing His plans for me by pushing me to do the necessary work in and throughout my soul…and my life.

The key is that I have to do the work. I have to dig in, dig deep, and do the hard stuff…and also practice patience and prayer.

Soul work is what happens when I actively engage in my thoughts and passions and reflect on feelings and my life in the present tense. It is what happens when I imagine and focus on the person I want to become and how I want to influence others. It is the exploration and discovery of passions and topics that fuel my soul and energy.

My latest round of soul work resulted in realizing I need and want a mentor. Because I am asking myself “where are you, who are you, and what are you doing?” every day, I feel like the best way to navigate this season is with the guidance, love, and help of someone that I can trust.

I made a list of specifics that I hope my new mentor would possess:

  • Strong female
  • Entrepreneurial
  • Christian/spiritual
  • Driven yet humble
  • Ethical and moral

I began reaching out to females I thought would make great mentors, and those doors were closed almost immediately. Or, they were met with no response or a maybe….which I have learned is a politely vague way to say no.

I was determined to find a mentor and felt the urgency to find one quickly. My attempts were not successful, but that is because God had a bigger and better door to open that I never saw coming.

I wrote these words minutes after a 90-minute meeting with my new mentor.

I was skeptical and extremely nervous about the meeting, but I showed up vulnerable, open, and honest. I had nothing to lose, so I walked in ready to lay it all on the line.

Be bold.
Be brave.

During our conversation, I realized we had similar passions and energies. I knew working with her would not only be a growth experience for me, but also an opportunity to work alongside an amazing human to accomplish a mission and purpose that reaches far beyond either of us. What she (that I hope turns into we) wants to do boils down to reaching, helping, and loving others.

Then, boldly I told her why I wanted to meet, which was to ask her to be my mentor.

We both had an innate gut feeling that our paths crossed for a reason…possibly many reasons…and we laughed about how God works in so many ways when we are living and pursuing the paths He has set forth for us.

Saying you have a mentor is a fancy term for saying you have found someone in your life that is living and loving others in a way that you admire and aspire to do in your own life…and your desire is to learn and follow them.

Ask yourself where you are, who you are, and what are you doing…and then look around you to see who is loving and living life with you. Challenge yourself to seek out someone new who can teach you new lessons, guide you and help you along your journey.

Find these mentors or good humans; Surround yourself with them and follow them; Learn from someone in the midst of starting a positive movement focused on loving others, and then branch out and be the next one to start your own.

Dear Diary

I’ve always had a love for writing. Not fictional stories, per say, but journaling and storytelling.

That was until my sister and her friends found my journal in the third grade and made fun of me. It’s funny to think that little girl was traumatized and hid her beloved journal in an act to keep her diary a secret.

Now, I’m writing for the public to read. This writing is a lot more intense than the writings of my third grade self.

From the days I could craft a full sentence, I recall journaling during every character building moment throughout the last 27 years. Writing…along with therapy…have been my saving graces through some of my most difficult times.

I never imagined myself writing as a career. It was a hobby and meditation that I liked to do in private. No one elses’ eyes were ever meant to read the words I wrote about the stories I was living.

While everyone else despised english and literature classes in college, I excelled at them. During my sophomore year, I was taking a literature class taught by one of the most challenging professors in the department. I will never forget the day he pulled me aside to review one of my papers (a literary review of a story), and he told me I was writing at a senior level and should consider changing my major to English.

I left that meeting feeling so confident. While I did not change my major, somehow I have still ended up writing and storytelling in both my personal and professional lives.

I was awake for hours last night thinking of ideas and topics to write about and reflecting on my career. I had racing thoughts about my writing, the bigger picture of my writing, and steps that have led me to this point…despite my overlooking of God’s obvious and intentional signs.

My career over the last 5 years has been as a ghost writer, content creator, and a digital voice. I have always said that I do “marketing” as a generalization, but marketing is massively broad. Once I really considered what my roles have been over the last few years, I realized the focus has been for me to create and be THE voice…of a small start up company, a large nonprofit, and now for a specific individual, which is a new challenge in and of itself.

It is funny because I didn’t necessarily choose the role of being a content creator, professionally. I grew into it.

Currently, my formal title is “executive assistant” but it is so much more. I am creating motivational content and managing social media accounts. I am storytelling. I am writing. I am helping others in the organization craft and tell their stories.

But I have been left reflecting this week on the question,”What about MY voice. What about MY story?”

God works in mysterious, yet obvious ways. I have given myself migraines from pondering and stressing over discovering my “purpose” in life, but I have been pursuing it this whole time. I am a storyteller. I do my best work (and God’s work) when I share stories – whether it be my story or the story of another organization or entrepreneur.

And hence the relaunch of LoveStruck.

The problem has not been not knowing – the problem has been me not embracing the gifts, honing in on my craft, and actively engaging it. 

God speaks to us every single day – through every action, person, opportunity, and each big or small task on our to-do lists – the key is being open to his signs, accepting them, and then embracing them to do His work.

This blog is for my storytelling – to share my experiences in a way that hopefully impacts others in small, positive ways. My writing is not only a place to share my stories and experiences; moreover, it is a medium for me to continue challenging myself (and you) to live and love genuinely, authentically, vulnerably, and fiercely.